Trusting God is never easy

I haven't had peace in my heart when it comes to divorcing Matt but at the same time its incredibly difficult to get past the "her" and to feel like you can trust again or even have a want to trust again. Its easy to throw in the towel using the biblical excuse and start to plan for life alone and ready to make things work. After some good godly counsel from a dear friend I decided to devote myself to prayer and plead with God to make His will known to me and for me not to confuse my wants and desires for His plan. Finally, He did reveal Himself to me and even though I tried to question it because I was certain it was just and off day or something. No, He's not mistaken at all and I finally have peace in my heart and while its not what I was expecting or hoping for I know what I'm supposed to do. God's made it very clear to me that divorce is not the right path at this time. I don't have the desire to be with Matt right now but at least the thought of him or him trying to hug me doesn't make my skin crawl anymore so I guess that's progress.

I don't know where to go from here. I was completely resigned to the fact that I was going to make things work with just me and the boys however hard or stressful it may have become. While that's not ideal at least if there was stress it would've been only mine. Now for some reason unknown to me I'm supposed to make things work and that's even more terrifying than going it alone. Fighting for your marriage is so much harder than letting it go especially when you don't know how hard your partner is willing to fight as well. Its one thing to completely trust in God when He's never failed me and has always followed through on his promises but now to try and put that same trust in a person that has been the cause of so much pain and heartache feels next to impossible.

At this point in time, since this is new revelation to me, nothing has been stopped as far as the divorce is concerned. I plan to talk to Matt hopefully today, if not on Tuesday when he comes to get the big kids, and make a game plan for counseling and so on. I haven't welcomed him home and I'm not sure when I will...I can't see it being anytime soon. For now, I'm going to continue to pray and hope that all works out for His best.

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Belated Introduction of Kylan Joseph

So my surprise baby was another boy...not too much of a surprise to me since I was convinced from the beginning I would be welcoming another son. Well, on May 18th the blessed event occured and at 10:25pm Kylan Joseph entered the world weighing 7 pounds 1 ounce and measuring 19 inches. Now you may be confused by his name, don't worry you're not alone. No, I did NOT name my child after a Disney anime character known as Ni Hao Kai Lan...its pronounced K-Eye-Lyn, a bit of a combo of Kyle and Dylan. I was completely smitten from my first look at him even though he was covered in goo. The poor little guy went completely unnamed until the day we left the hospital although Landon lovingly referred to him as 448. I believe those to be his favorite numbers but really who understands the interworkings of a two year old's mind?

Kylan has been a welcomed member of the family and has been incredibly laid back. He's definitely giving me a break when it comes to demanding behavior and sleepless nights so far though I'm not so naive to think it will be such smooth sailings forever. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for this little guy because God definitely has a purpose in loaning him to me. He has gained a new name since he's become more expressive and is showing off his personality and all his sweetness. Most days he's Muffin or if I'm feeling a bit more formal he's Mr. Muffin. I love that Brayden is also referring to him as Muffin now too. Man, I'm SO blessed to have such amazing little boys around me.






These are all of his "brand new" pictures but I haven't exactly gotten around to uploading all of his most recent pictures unless of course you count the ones of him in his cloth diapers but that is for another entry. Nevertheless, this is my fantastic little boy. When we decided on his name I did a few google searches to see if there was a meaning behind Kylan. Since I couldn't find anything I decided that meant I could make up my own meaning to his means AWESOME!!

Maternity Pictures by Krista

So its better late then never. I've been on a serious blog hiatus and haven't shared near what I should have been. So, here are a couple of my maternity pictures, the first I took myself and the other was by a good friend Krista Archibald. I think they both turned out great, with my "self-portrait" it was done with a self timer and a friend with excellent photo shop skills...I only wish I didn't have stretch marks after 3 kiddies, other than a little airbrush to the marks of motherhood this is my 8 month tummy.



Where it all began...

I've come to realize that I can't give you all accurate blog updates without first giving you the back story albeit an abbreviated version and trust me you'll thank me for it since you won't want to sit through all the details.

Let's rewind to mid-September and I got quite the surprise. Those two little lines that mean your life is about to take a major turn although I didn't realize that a baby would be the easiest of the coming changes, minus horrific morning sickness of course. I waited a few days, maybe a week, before telling Matt so I could go to the doctor since I had an IUD. After telling Matt is when many problems surfaced that I was unaware of, he had been unhappy for quite sometime and never thought to inform me. Fast forward a few weeks is when I found out about "her". I won't dwell on "her" since its just going to bring out an ugly side of me that I'd rather not let out right now. Just before Thanksgiving I met with an attorney and filed for divorce since he was completely against trying to work things out and there was another "person" (term used VERY loosely) in the picture. I asked him to leave my house and he found a new place and was out by December 1st. This has been the living situation since then. I put all the divorce paperwork on hold until the baby was born holding out hope that things could work out. Meanwhile, I had grown pretty accustomed to the single mom life and I was rocking it out as best I could with the love and support of my incredible family and friends. Currently things are moving forward the way they should and NOW is when he wants to try and work things out but on his terms of course.

Now this was a very short version of a horribly long story. If I let it you in on all the details you'd hate my husband and then not be able to see the big picture of the coming update, plus I don't want anything in print that my kids would ever be able to see...they think Daddy is Superman and I intend to keep it that way. To be perfectly honest though I will say that he was the jerk of all jerks and a sucky husband through my entire pregnancy. He was loved by few and hated by many. Not to say that he's fantastic right now or has even made things right between us with explanations, apologies or accountability for his choices but we are still married and I need to think of all aspects of our marriage.

This seems to a good enough stopping point for now. A new update will be coming soon about all of this lovely drama that has now become my life. Until the newest update comes I will post a little Kylan update since he's much more fun to write about and I'll include some pictures for all to Oooh and Aaah over him because I just know you want to...who wouldn't love to see and hear about the most awesome baby in the world?

Time to get the ball rolling

My good friend Lauren informed that I'm a lazy blogger and I couldn't agree with her more. I'm (once again) making a commitment to updating at least ONCE a week from here on out. I will give you a few guidelines and warnings first.
  1. I'm now going to have to remove my blog from my RSS feed on Facebook.
  2. If you are friends with me on the Book then nothing I say here can be transfered there to protect the innocent.
  3. If you do post anything on the Book I'll deny deny deny. ;)
  4. You very well may be surprised by what you learn from my weekly (sometimes more frequent) blogs. Please don't hold those things against me.
  5. Give me a little bit of a break in that I will always make things sound worse than they are in real life....I'm a drama queen like that.
  6. I always reserve the right to add more to this list.

Alrighty campers....I'll be nice and try not to use this as my blog this week. You're in luck that I just happened to have had a baby recently and my big boys had birthdays too.

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