Trusting God is never easy

I haven't had peace in my heart when it comes to divorcing Matt but at the same time its incredibly difficult to get past the "her" and to feel like you can trust again or even have a want to trust again. Its easy to throw in the towel using the biblical excuse and start to plan for life alone and ready to make things work. After some good godly counsel from a dear friend I decided to devote myself to prayer and plead with God to make His will known to me and for me not to confuse my wants and desires for His plan. Finally, He did reveal Himself to me and even though I tried to question it because I was certain it was just and off day or something. No, He's not mistaken at all and I finally have peace in my heart and while its not what I was expecting or hoping for I know what I'm supposed to do. God's made it very clear to me that divorce is not the right path at this time. I don't have the desire to be with Matt right now but at least the thought of him or him trying to hug me doesn't make my skin crawl anymore so I guess that's progress.

I don't know where to go from here. I was completely resigned to the fact that I was going to make things work with just me and the boys however hard or stressful it may have become. While that's not ideal at least if there was stress it would've been only mine. Now for some reason unknown to me I'm supposed to make things work and that's even more terrifying than going it alone. Fighting for your marriage is so much harder than letting it go especially when you don't know how hard your partner is willing to fight as well. Its one thing to completely trust in God when He's never failed me and has always followed through on his promises but now to try and put that same trust in a person that has been the cause of so much pain and heartache feels next to impossible.

At this point in time, since this is new revelation to me, nothing has been stopped as far as the divorce is concerned. I plan to talk to Matt hopefully today, if not on Tuesday when he comes to get the big kids, and make a game plan for counseling and so on. I haven't welcomed him home and I'm not sure when I will...I can't see it being anytime soon. For now, I'm going to continue to pray and hope that all works out for His best.


Lauren said...
July 27, 2009 at 10:57 AM

I am praying too!!

Steph said...
July 31, 2009 at 9:35 PM

Warning: I said on FB that I'm babbling today. Here's your proof. ;)

So you know that I don't like Matt. But I don't have to like Matt to support YOU. Of course wherever God leads you I'm going to back you up on 110%. Recently Hosea was mentioned in church, and the first person I thought of was you. So I'm going to reread Hosea and pray for you and your situation. Not that I'm saying that if your marriage gets put back together by God's hands that it will end up like Hosea's life did. But I am saying that God does give us the grace and courage to see past the mistakes of our spouses and will help us love them completely and totally -- no matter what they've done or how many times they've done it. And I do think sometimes God allows us to be in these situations to help us remember that we are truly unworthy of HIS grace as we've committed adultery against Him multiple times, but He still pulls us into His arms and forgives us and loves us anyway.

Not that that's excusing his behavior by any means. You know I still hate him. There is absolutely no excuse for the way he acted. None. Ever.

But I love you. So if you come to the point where you are able to accept him back into your home and your marriage is healed (or at least healING), then I will be there for you no matter what and I will defend your decision. And of course I will pray daily for you both.

Ok, that's enough babbling for one comment. Love ya!

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