McCreepy

So I've been going to a class at my church called Divore Care. Its a support group for people going through a divorce or separation. Well, I went out with a group of them to a big concert and had a blast. The next day I get a text from Barbara, a woman in the group who organizes all the outings, and she was asking me if it was okay to give my number to "McCreepy" because he had some legal questions about mediation. So I told her it was okay. The next day I get a call from "McCreepy" and it was an extremely awkward message on my voicemail. I called him back to see what questions he had but he said he had to apologize to me first. He said the he got my phone number by lying to Barbara. He really just wanted to know if I wanted to go out for coffee sometime or a bite to eat. (First of all, this guy is 17 years older than me, fat and has a very angry face...so NOT my type!!) I told him that "I'm still married and so I don't date. Even if I was divorced I'm still NOT dating since I'm not ready for that yet." He seemed to understand since I told him that I'll only do coffee/dinner in a group setting.


The NEXT day I get a text from him saying "Hey pretty lady...How was your day?" UGH!!! I felt so icky in my skin!!!! I told him I was busy with my kids and then he texted me back asking if I had any free time on my calendar to meet up?!?! Seriously???? So I never said anything back to him. The next day I get a phone call and voice mail from him saying "I never heard back from you or anything. If its not okay for me to text/call you just let me know, I'm a big boy blah blah blah" AGAIN I'm puking in my mouth here!! So I waited a few hours and sent him a very long winded text mesg. Basically it was "You make me feel uncomfortable, I don't want any dating or intimate friendship with ANY man! I don't trust men for good reason." I get a text back saying "Well, maybe I can be the man you trust, Let me know if you change your mind" 


A week ago I found out that not only is this guy stupid and can't accept what I'm saying...Nope, he's a freaking criminal too!! He's been arrested 4 times in less than 10 years!! The most recent being Jan. 29, 2009 for domestic violence AND battery...the vicitim was not his wife!! And it was a second offense! The other two charges were for grand theft via forgery! So he basically stole someone's checks or credit card to steal their money. Wonderful.

I would insert an image of said creepster but since this blog is public I'm NOT doing that.  One of the hardest things about this situation besides the obvious is that this guy is a brand new Christian...when I say brand new I mean today I think he is a two or three week old Christian.  So I'm trying to be nice because I don't want to send him away from the church if he is in fact making a change but at the same time I spend 90% of my time alone with my kids and I need to protect them and myself. 

Hmmmm, is it difficult to get a gun permit?

The End And A New Beginning

I've decided that this is going to be my last "Matt" entry.  This is going to go back to a family blog to keep everyone updated on the happenings of our lives.  I'm in the process of starting a new blog specifically for the new life I'm beginning.  It will be a private blog so it will be invitation only, I want to keep it under lock and key.  To be fair, I will give a quick and final update here and then its back to my crazy life with the three little loves of my life. 

After trying and trying to work things out and constantly being turned down or disappointed its time to call a spade a spade.  I was finally able to get answers to many, but not all, of my questions and I have a feeling of closure.  God's given me a peace that I can't even begin to describe.  I know that the days, months and years ahead are going to be tough as a single mom to three little boys but I know my God is faithful and will be helping me all along the way.  Matt and I are still on good terms, not exactly friends but friendly.  I have no anger towards him at all...Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.  While I don't trust him as a husband, I know that he loves our kids and wants the best for them just like I do.  I know as long as we keep a united front, are respectful towards one another and continue to make our love for them a priority then everything is going to work out just fine.  Its sad to know that everything will be final and official soon and I'm sure reality of the situation has yet to sink in.  I'm prepared to have to start looking for more work and potentially have to find childcare with the two little guys unless Matt is able to move back closer to us.   It would be wonderful for him to live near by just so he can see the kids and not miss out on so much of their lives but its not my choice anymore.  No matter what happens things will be just fine.

I can't thank you all enough for kind words and prayers over the last year. I cherish each and everyone of you. 

Quikie Update on Life

So I haven't updated on the Matt situation lately mainly because there hasn't been much to update. I told him that I don't think its possible to work on our marriage if we're living in separate places. While I'm not completely comfortable with living in the same house with him, I also know that the more that he's away and I'm carrying the load of full time parent on my own is only going to make me resent him even more and I don't like or want to be an angry and bitter person. His response was that he doesn't want to move everything back here just to have to move it all out if things don't work out. *eye roll* I take that as he's expecting things to fail without really trying especially since there isn't a single thing at his apartment that I need or even want!! Except maybe some of my bake ware that he swiped!! In a different turn of events, while I've lived cable free for the last several months he's decided that he can't live without it and ordered cable for MY house where he isn't even living?? Random? Yeah it is. I'm hoping for a holiday family time with him and all the boys to get some time to talk one on one, preferably during nap time when the kids can't hear...So that's my "drama" update.

Now, onto my more normal life updates.....

Brayden is thoroughly enjoying kindergarten and is finally adjusting to the loooong days. I'm loving the times that he's gone. My stress level has gone down tremendously and everyday at 3pm I start to get excited to pick him up. I love that I actually have a chance to miss him!! I miss him terribly but its a sweet reunion that I get to have daily. He's making new friends and is always appreciating his time home with all of us now. And he "conveniently" forgets his lunchbox at school so he an eat lunch room food. I think its gross but he doesn't.

Landon has been a sad little puppy lately. He's missing his buddy and it shows. He's even gone back to taking a mini morning nap since his favorite playmate is gone all day. He's doing well with potty training. School starting was a minor set back, he was peeing left and right for no reason in his undies, but he's getting back to normal. Funny side note of accidents, poor guy had an accident at church on Thursday night so they changed him into the shorts that were in the bag. I'm pleased to announce that my darling 3 year old can still fit comfortably into 3-6 month shorts!!

Kylan, my sweet little surprise, has been rolling himself over a bit more frequently now. Not just because he's pissed that I didn't pick him up quick enough. Belly to back and back to belly...he's growing up way too fast. I've been trying to avoid solids at all costs with him since I didn't see the need to start. He sleeps great but now, even after a very full nursing session, he's smacking is lips and wanting to eat more. This makes me so sad. I didn't want to start any food until he was six months old and not because of food allergies since they don't run in our families and I haven't adjusted my diet one bit and he's been fine but because I really REALLY don't want to clean that poop out of my diapers.

For me, nothing to report. I'm thankful that all the hours at work have picked up and I'm also taking a class this semester. I haven't taken one in well over three years when I was pregnant with Landon. Not only do I get to work on my on walk with my Maker but I also get real grown up conversation and at least a two hour break from all my kiddies one night a week. So needed and necessary!! I'm also helping my MIL to organize her craft room and in return she's teaching me how to sew. I'm pretty psyched about it, I've been wanting to learn for a long time.

Presents

I'm beginning to understand where Matt gets his "buy a present to fix problems" mentality. I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth but if you never acknowledge an issue and resolve it how can things ever change? I'm to the point where I can't make Matt understand and have chalked it up to a male brain block of some sort. Unfortunately I've found the source of this ongoing problem.

For as long as I can remember I've been the "black sheep Baptist" as far as my MIL was concerned. I don't go to her church and I stand up for my faith so that somehow translates into me being bad person who's headed straight to hell, thank God I know better than that. I've forever gotten snide remarks and hate mail sent to Matt from the MIL, she abrasive and cold but she loves her grandchildren so I've always overlooked it. I won't go into specifics for why the MIL gets under my skin other than her trying to play mom and questioning my parenting and discipline choices when I'm RIGHT THERE and then I have to pull out the wench card and actually BE the mom. Instead of recognizing that you're out of line and apologizing I get a surprise visit with gifts for all the boys. Two new Nintendo DS games for Brayden, an annoying singing truck thing for Landon, and the Baby Neptune Play mat for Kylan!! She easily spent over $100, like I said I'm not going to refuse presents for my kids, especially not a kick butt activity mat that I love, but a simple "Sorry" would have been fine too.

Hello, Matt? I'm still waiting for you to take ownership of your choices and make them right. I do enjoy an awesome sushi dinner and laughing at the people while we go redneck bowling but I'd prefer a quiet night of talking...and maybe some take home sushi.

Trusting God is never easy

I haven't had peace in my heart when it comes to divorcing Matt but at the same time its incredibly difficult to get past the "her" and to feel like you can trust again or even have a want to trust again. Its easy to throw in the towel using the biblical excuse and start to plan for life alone and ready to make things work. After some good godly counsel from a dear friend I decided to devote myself to prayer and plead with God to make His will known to me and for me not to confuse my wants and desires for His plan. Finally, He did reveal Himself to me and even though I tried to question it because I was certain it was just and off day or something. No, He's not mistaken at all and I finally have peace in my heart and while its not what I was expecting or hoping for I know what I'm supposed to do. God's made it very clear to me that divorce is not the right path at this time. I don't have the desire to be with Matt right now but at least the thought of him or him trying to hug me doesn't make my skin crawl anymore so I guess that's progress.



I don't know where to go from here. I was completely resigned to the fact that I was going to make things work with just me and the boys however hard or stressful it may have become. While that's not ideal at least if there was stress it would've been only mine. Now for some reason unknown to me I'm supposed to make things work and that's even more terrifying than going it alone. Fighting for your marriage is so much harder than letting it go especially when you don't know how hard your partner is willing to fight as well. Its one thing to completely trust in God when He's never failed me and has always followed through on his promises but now to try and put that same trust in a person that has been the cause of so much pain and heartache feels next to impossible.



At this point in time, since this is new revelation to me, nothing has been stopped as far as the divorce is concerned. I plan to talk to Matt hopefully today, if not on Tuesday when he comes to get the big kids, and make a game plan for counseling and so on. I haven't welcomed him home and I'm not sure when I will...I can't see it being anytime soon. For now, I'm going to continue to pray and hope that all works out for His best.

Where it all began...

I've come to realize that I can't give you all accurate blog updates without first giving you the back story albeit an abbreviated version and trust me you'll thank me for it since you won't want to sit through all the details.

Let's rewind to mid-September and I got quite the surprise. Those two little lines that mean your life is about to take a major turn although I didn't realize that a baby would be the easiest of the coming changes, minus horrific morning sickness of course. I waited a few days, maybe a week, before telling Matt so I could go to the doctor since I had an IUD. After telling Matt is when many problems surfaced that I was unaware of, he had been unhappy for quite sometime and never thought to inform me. Fast forward a few weeks is when I found out about "her". I won't dwell on "her" since its just going to bring out an ugly side of me that I'd rather not let out right now. Just before Thanksgiving I met with an attorney and filed for divorce since he was completely against trying to work things out and there was another "person" (term used VERY loosely) in the picture. I asked him to leave my house and he found a new place and was out by December 1st. This has been the living situation since then. I put all the divorce paperwork on hold until the baby was born holding out hope that things could work out. Meanwhile, I had grown pretty accustomed to the single mom life and I was rocking it out as best I could with the love and support of my incredible family and friends. Currently things are moving forward the way they should and NOW is when he wants to try and work things out but on his terms of course.

Now this was a very short version of a horribly long story. If I let it you in on all the details you'd hate my husband and then not be able to see the big picture of the coming update, plus I don't want anything in print that my kids would ever be able to see...they think Daddy is Superman and I intend to keep it that way. To be perfectly honest though I will say that he was the jerk of all jerks and a sucky husband through my entire pregnancy. He was loved by few and hated by many. Not to say that he's fantastic right now or has even made things right between us with explanations, apologies or accountability for his choices but we are still married and I need to think of all aspects of our marriage.

This seems to a good enough stopping point for now. A new update will be coming soon about all of this lovely drama that has now become my life. Until the newest update comes I will post a little Kylan update since he's much more fun to write about and I'll include some pictures for all to Oooh and Aaah over him because I just know you want to...who wouldn't love to see and hear about the most awesome baby in the world?